My depression and anxiety are jam-packed into a giant handbag full of all my life’s shit that I drag around with me day after day and I can’t seem to let it go! You too?
It can get so fucking heavy. I am getting older and growing tired of dragging it along with me everywhere I go. I can’t or don’t want to give it up. Dare I say that I love it as much as I hate it?
Every day I wake up, put on my makeup, do my hair, get dressed and look at myself in the mirror. I give myself the once over and decide I look the same as always. Which handbag will I choose today, so many choices?
Today this one will have to do.
So, I grab that fucking handbag (because I can’t seem to leave without it) and I give myself a swift kick in the ass and walk to the front door of my life. I take a single step outside, the ground crumbles under my feet and my reflexes kick in and I am able to grab the edge just in time, as always…
There I am left dangling from my doorstep by my fingertips, hoping they are strong enough to hold on this time. I look down towards my feet at the heavy handbag in my hand, I laugh because I refuse to let it go. I know releasing my grip on it will save me, I just can’t open my hand…
It’s just a matter of time before I can’t hold on anymore and I fall with my handbag leading the way. Again!
So this is my life.
Every single day, what did I do to deserve this shit? Nothing I know of, but despite that, I have learned how to drag my heavy ass bag through my life.
I see people look at me struggling to pull it. Sometimes it won’t budge. What the fuck? I think to myself and I end up having to ask for help and that’s enough to get it unstuck, for now.
I should ask for help more often but…. it’s my fucking bag! Not theirs.
It’s my necessary “accessory” LOL.
I am so used to carrying my bag that I think of it as a security blanket (handbag). I love my handbag, I know you feel the same about yours.
It’s pretty awesome because we can change the way it looks and even the size. It all depends where we are in life that determines whether it will be denim, leather, heavy or light. It’s my necessary “accessory”
I am always looking for a new handbag, one that holds more stuff and has lots of pockets to hide things. Zippers are an absolute must-have. I wouldn’t want any feelings falling out for everyone to see, you know what I mean?
It also has to be waterproof because I often have to drag it through puddles of tears.
I wish I could find the perfect handbag.
The search continues and I will not give up hope, the perfect handbag is out there. I know it is, I just have to keep looking and that means going outside because it’s not in here. So I whisper myself “be strong, you can do this”.
I know it will be worth the wait, but until that day I will just be grateful that I have this handbag at all. It may be heavy but you can rest assured that I will be dragging this fucking thing around with me. It just makes me stronger the heavier it is.
So if you also have a handbag that you love but would like to be able to leave the house without it, just remember there can be a future without a giant, heavy and sometimes ugly handbag. We just need to ask for help, work our way down to a clutch handbag.
Oh, don’t get me started. I would love a clutch handbag, they are so small and you can keep some things safely tucked in it, but clutched tightly under your arm. Wow, Fucking Wow!
A girl can dream…so keep dreaming with me.
But alas, I am currently carrying a rather large bag.
What’s is in this bag that makes it so heavy? Here are just some of the things….
Fear, of everything
Sadness, I don’t know why
Guilt, for what I don’t know
Regret, for things I have yet to do
Loneliness, although I am not alone
Apprehensive, for something yet to happen
Broken, as always
Isolation, from everyone
Numb, from the cold within
Courage, for what needs to be done
Hope, for what may come
Smiles, for loved ones to see
Laughter, for jokes to hear
Freedom, from pain
Warmth, just because
And I am always adding new feelings to my every growing and shrinking handbag that’s sometimes from hell and/or sometimes from heaven.
It all depends on the day baby.